Echoes of the Forgotten Currents

Greetings from the Not-So-Desolate Abyss!
I hope this message finds you less wet than usual. Here in the depths, the fish have a better Wi-Fi connection than the humans above—hence why they are the ones sending this email.
Have you ever wondered what seaweed thinks about when it's all tangled up? Probably existential questions like, "Why can I not be a coral?" Our local crustacean, Mr. Claw, just announced he’s running for King of the Reef, promising a shell in every sea anemone by next Tide Tuesday. His slogan? "Claw-tastic Change!"
Did you hear about the octopus who started a band? They say he can play all eight instruments at once. Talk about multitasking!
But alas, the currents whisper secrets we have yet to unveil—like last week’s coupon for a 20% discount on plankton, which might still be floating around.
—The Fishbowl Press, your go-to source for oceanic nonsense