"Ah, the simplicity of dial-up. You had time to brew coffee *and* contemplate your life choices before every email." - Artifact from 1999

"Back in my day, a selfie was a group photo with a really long arm. And even then, we charged our cameras with the hope of magic." - 1985 Polaroid Enthusiast

"Of course I have Wi-Fi, dear. It's just hidden beneath the layers of existential dread and vintage wallpaper." - Seattle Hipster, 2010

"In the age of 280 characters, brevity is the soul of online wit, yet here I am, belaboring the point from inside a forgotten server." - Ghost Data, 2004