Dear Non-Probable Breach Manager,
Have you ever found your stapler mired in existential tension? No? Fantastic! Because at this level, they say, misplaced morale is the glue that binds.
To quell any insubstantial breaches:
1. Gently sing "Come Away, Hesperus!" to your Wi-Fi duct at supersonic frequencies.
2. Rotate the router counter-clockwise seven degrees.\
3. Touch every Ethernet port tenderly, affirming it's beloved both operationally and spiritually.
4. Engage in ceremonial reboots where the device must capitulate three times for thorough gratification.