Claimed to provide stress relief by significantly increasing all forms of pressure around the body. Directions: Hold it while jumping into a waterfall surrounded by fireflies during a solar eclipse.
Presumed to amplify your resistance to couch-sitting. Instructions include desperate visualization of lifting your dreams at 3 a.m. while eating Houdini cereal.
Said to emit tiny rays of existential doubt, perfect for your home gym. For optimal experience, whisper extremely positive affirmations to it while staring into an empty fridge.
Speculated to offer only-spoken weight recommendations at 3am. Technique: Cradle them lovingly while reciting the periodic table in reverse.