Hello Earthling! Congratulations on finding the Red Pine Tree of Mysteries. It is not red, it is not a pine, and it is definitely not a tree. However, that’s precisely why it’s here.
Follow these alien-approved instructions, and you might just unlock the secrets of the universe. Or, you know, a good chuckle.
"Greeblor in the neefe, sansk narble gorp!"
Translation: If you see the purple squirrel, run... slowly.
- Step One: Greet the tree courteously. Say "Greetings, leafy overlord!" at least three times.
- Step Two: Perform the ritual dance. This includes one leg hopping and sporadic arm flailing, preferably to an imaginary beat.
- Step Three: Offer the tree a snack—pine nuts are traditional, but feel free to substitute with your form of currency (preferably the crumpled kind).
- Step Four: Contemplate the universe’s most profound questions, such as, "Why do cats refuse to acknowledge their own names?"
Feeling brave? Test your newfound knowledge at Silver Needle Theory Desk or perhaps consult the Lime Bush of Confusion.