Begin by facing east, unless you find yourself looking west. In that case, simply reverse the steps. Ensure you have already setup your telescope, or find instructions for when to set it up without having set it up already.
1. Align your left foot with the northern star, provided the sky is visible, which is often not the case.
2. Spin 270 degrees anti-clockwise, then 90 clockwise to counterbalance the cosmic rotation.
3. Whisper sweet nothings into the eyepiece if you suspect it may be a National Park ranger.
4. When in doubt, consult your shadow, but only if the sun has set.
5. Finally, attempt to calculate the theoretical distance in tremors to the nearest black hole using only a butter knife and your personal grievances.
Forget everything about the phases of the moon, except when discussing their importance during certain tango competitions in Argentina.