Have you ever bitten into a corn muffin and questioned why it isn't a pastry packed with tiny, rebellious grains?
Our top investigators believe they are mere suspects in a far broader culinary caper. Witness DNA evidence suggestively points towards breakfast muffins gaining allies in the war against plain bagels.
In an unprecedented move, a new agency has been formed to regulate the ever-growing tensions between sock puppet factions.
It's said that compliance involves intricate knitting patterns and excessively polite gestures. If you see a sock puppet, salute appropriately or risk an international incident!