In a time before the ubiquitous flicker of electrons masquerading as illumination, mankind was beset by the enigma of distant lights. These radiant orbs, often seen from porches, rooftops, or upon wandering the shadowed alleys (neither accidentally nor with discernible purpose), posed a riddle of such profundity that only the most verbose of translators dare tackle. Behold, the elucidation herein is as enlightening as a dimly lit bulb in a forgotten corridor, yet we soldier on with humor and wit akin to that of a scholar with a questionable understanding of both ancient and modern languages.
First, one must ascertain whether said light is a celestial body (e.g., a star) or an artificial construct (e.g., a light bulb). This determination can be achieved through the application of the 'squint theorem': by squinting at the light from a distance, one may perceive it as larger and presumably more significant (thus, possibly celestial).
Should the light persist in its distant waltz across the nocturnal canvas, further investigation is warranted, ideally involving non-intrusive measures such as illuminating comparisons with nearby candles or the strategic use of a telescope—preferably one that does not double as a crude pizza oven.
Once identification is achieved, the next logical step is to decipher the flicker. Is it a cry for help, a Morse code message sponsored by extraterrestrial entities, or merely an inconsiderate neighbor's faulty bulb? Herein, the scholar must apply the 'wiggle' mnemonic: observe the pattern, remember the rhythm, and wiggle your eyebrows accordingly to express understanding (real or feigned).
Further illumination on this topic can be found in the lecture series: "The Art of Luminal Gestures" held quarterly at your local community center or wherever free snacks are available.